and here i go..again.

"Jan, be ashamed of yourself!"

I wanna meet my new self. Renewal, as what they call it.

It seems that I am very emotional this past few days. I don't know why, but I can't really help it.

Just like what happened last June 10, 2008. Oh yes, my oh-so-called-birthday. Everybody thought that I was all right, but I am not. I felt like it wasn't my birthday.

A week before, I was so excited. Yehey. My birthday will be the first day of school, and I will provide lunch for my teachers and for the whole 4- Nitrogen.

June 9, 2008. I was still excited. Many people are already greeting me. Even my beshybesh didn't stop greeting me.

June 10, midnight. No one greeted me. I just received the very first greeting at 2AM already. It was my sister. I simply don't know, but I AM JEALOUS. My best friend did nothail me on midnight, but he did to my other friend. Ouch. But it is alright. Carry on.

Flag ceremony. I am a battalion staff. Ma'am Mae said that it is my birthday. On the microphone. In front of the whole CNSHS. Wow. That is so great. I loved it.

The day passed, and more people greeted me. "Happy Birthday"s and "Maligayang Bati"s. But I didn't feel their sincerity. I am still wondering why.


At night, Jasper and Shayne did not stop comforting me. I still felt that it was an ordinary day. All of the things that I am imagining a week before, are all gone..gon..go..g.. ..

My oh-so-called-father called me. But it didn't go well. He just told me a little "Happy Birthday" and a little "I love you"... then zoom zap zim boom. The conversation was over. I really felt bad at that time. I simply cried, without my mom knowing it. Just to release my emotions. But still, I was uneasy with it.

But know, I realized that it was my fault.

"The basic thing is that everyone wants happiness, no one wants suffering. And happiness mainly comes from our own attitude, rather than from external factors. If your own mental attitude is correct, even if you remain in a hostile atmosphere, you feel happy. You can make any day special. It's just a matter of appreciation.", a person told me.

Happiness. Deal with it. No wrath cannot be overcome with happiness and forgiveness in our hearts. I know that I can be glad in my own very little ways. I know. Someday.